I do not deserve the love of God. I do not deserve to be able to love God. And yet He graces me with both. God has given to me, a man once His enemy, forgiveness for even my most grievous sins, many though they be. How I long for the sweet embrace of death which would cause this mortal coil of flesh to once and for all cease its struggle against its Maker! In my soul I bear the exhilarating joy of salvation and the peace of a reconciled commune with God. But I also bear a grief of which words cannot speak over coming to grips with the depths of my own depraved and fallen nature. Recognizing that I deserve death, I cry out to God, broken: “Have mercy on me Lord! Save me!”
The Lord hears my cry. He comes to my deathbed and rescues me. Gentle hands has He. Yet mighty are His arms. He is my Eternal Father, strong to save. I find comfort in His arms. I find rest upon his shoulder. I find shelter beneath His wings. For this reason will I tell of His goodness. For this reason will I proclaim to all that He is merciful and mighty. I owe to Him everything I am, all I have, and then some.
On my heart have been the serious considerations of seminary schooling. If provided the opportunity, I will go without hesitation. I desire to know God more intimately and to love His word more intensely. For me, education is the clearest and most direct route to this. I don’t yet know where I’d go. RTS is probably the most prominent in my thoughts at the moment, but I haven’t pursued it very far. Honestly, finances are the only thing I would say is holding me back from pursuing it.
A good number of people at my church have been extremely discouraging, even disparaging in their remarks about me. No one has really urged me to pursue ministry vocationally or otherwise, nor have I been encouraged to be formally educated. Is it odd that when I pursue what I know is right in the eyes of God (including making right the wrongs I have done) that I am met with strong opposition, even in the church?
I suppose if I had to put into a word what I am feeling right now after over 6 months of thought into these matters, I would use the word discouraged. I really could use some encouragement, and I’m not talking an attaboy. I don’t want someone to lavish vain compliments that would tempt me to puff up in pride. I want a couple brothers and sisters to spur me on to love and good deeds. I desire a best friend, a mentor, and perhaps a woman in whom I can confide. Something just feels. . . I don’t know. . . like it’s missing — like there’s one or two keys that will unlock this gate holding me back and start the engine of the vehicle which will take me down the road to where I’m supposed to be traveling. I can’t see the future, but I feel it there. My heart aches for action. My legs twitch in anticipation.
It’s your show God. If these things on my heart were put there by You, then Your timing and Your plan for bringing them to fruition are in my best interest and Your greater glory. I submit myself to Your good pleasure and loving, providential care. Glorify Yourself in my words, in my deeds, and in my relationships. So let it be.