Identity

A lot of thoughts about who I am have been floating in my head for some time now. I figured it was time to write them down so I could make sense of them all and wrestle through them, perhaps together with you, my friends.

Not to be cliche, but I truly have nearly always felt that I don’t quite fit in whatever the crowd of the moment is. Even in my personal relationships, there seems to be an uneasiness about one or more aspects of who I am that tends to drive most folks away from friendship rather than attract them. Is it the depth of the conversations in which I enjoy engaging? Is it my goofy humor that alternately leaves my friends in groans or fits of laughter? Are either of those inherently bad personality traits?

An old friend of mine used to think so, at least in regard to my humor. She’d whisper to me and ask me to “tone it down” if she felt I was being silly or embarrassing her in front of her friends. It bothered me because that’s really who I am, and she seemed to take exception to it while most of the others around seemed to enjoy it. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with being goofy or being totally serious, or even mixing the two together to keep a sane perspective on things. Especially in a light-hearted environment like a party, I’ve never thought it inappropriate to be silly and entertain both my company and myself with humor.

And then there’s my faith. I’ve found that a lot of people my age either want nothing to do with Christ or else they’re not committed to the price that the Cross demands of us. So there’s not a whole lot of people I can talk to about spiritual matters who are my age. There’s probably a sum total of three of my peers whom I would trust for deeper theological conversations because of their proven faithfulness and love for God and others. Sometimes it feels like the only people who are willing to sit down and wrestle through spiritual matters in a serious manner are folks 30 years my senior — not that there shouldn’t be some. I consider myself graciously blessed to have a few closer friends who are 10, 20, or 30 years my senior; their insight into God’s Word and wisdom for my life has proven invaluable to me in these past months.

And so by now I’m probably looking like a crybaby emo kid who whines that noone understands him and that he has no friends. Now I think there are a few folks with a love for God and His ways whom I call friend, but some of them simply haven’t had time to develop a deeper relationship with me than sort-of-friends-who-hang-out-every- once-in-awhile-and-have-each-other-friended-on-MySpace-and-have- each-others’-cellphone-numbers. But I’m not about to hide how I truly feel. Truthfully, I am very lonely and long for a woman my age to show the love of Christ to me with her life. I screwed up my last serious relationship so badly that my ex avoids me and won’t even talk to me. It bothers me that there still is so much left unresolved between us. And that might even contribute more to the loneliness I feel.

I know that God is good and that His grace is sufficient to comfort me in my loneliness, but I can’t help but feel that something is missing relationally in my life. I think I wrote about it before when I talked about having a companion. I think that’s really what my heart desires. I want someone to talk to in the wee hours of the morning. I want someone who appreciates my silly humor as well as my love of God. I want a peer and not another mentor.

And that doesn’t mean I’m not going to serve God while I ask Him to bring us together. That would be foolish, selfish, and not at all the attitude of a humble servant that I ought to have toward Him. I will serve God wherever He wants so long as He gives me breath, with or without a companion. And when He does see fit to introduce a companion to me, I will reorient my life with that relationship in mind and continue to serve him in the same manner. I’ll simply have a partner from then on.

So I shall serve Christ wherever I’m called. I recognize that Jesus alone commands my destiny. His timing is perfect. I recognize also that I have a deep desire for true companionship and that if it is God’s will for this desire of my heart to be satisfied, it must be God who provides through His wisdom and good timing, not me through my feeble and foolish efforts. He has already chosen her for me and me for her, and so there is nothing that either of us need to do for one another except wait for God’s gentle hands to send us to love one another. I relinquish control of this to God. Help Thou my unbelief. Let my trust be an act of worship to You, my gracious, loving, compassionate, merciful, magnificent, holy King.

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7 Responses to Identity

  1. Bobby Bobbleton says:

    Bill, you are a whiny emo crybaby. That is all.

    What?!?! You told me to read your blog and tell you what a whiny emo crybaby you are!!!!

    Sigh….

    Much love,

    Bob

    P.S. You’re not a whiny emo crybaby. I know how you feel =(. Finding people you can really connect with is very difficult, and I’ve been unsuccessful so far, myself.

    P.P.S. Don’t cut yourself.

  2. Bill says:

    I can always count on you to brighten my day with your irreverent humor, Bob. 🙂

    Much love to you as well, brother. I know that you pwn because you care. ❤


    Bill

  3. Alyson Boe says:

    Bill,
    Be yourself especially be goofy, the right girl will love you for your personality it should not be changed…. I could not imagine my husband without his sarcasm, without his random weird stories, without his discussing strange things and getting excited over new kinds of SPAM I would NOT want a tame, “well behaved” Matthew… I do admit that there are some parts of ourselves we change for others in a relationship- how we are with money, habits we have like smoking/drinking, patience for the other person, etc and there is always a time and place for some things.. but to change your core personality is not a good thing to do… just remember there are people out there who will accept you and love you for you and your unique personality, I mean after all I married my husband and he has lots of weird friends like himself whom I also think are pretty cool… so what am i saying? Hang with the nerds yo, they’re where its at! And the hardrockers, but just really anyone who will like you and your personality, dont tone it down dude, toning down is boring, toning down is close to death you know?
    aight
    ttyl
    aly B

  4. Bill says:

    I think that’s what bothered me most about her reactions: that my goofiness is part of who I am deep down. And the funny thing is, that was one of the things I thought had attracted her to me in the first place.

    So I guess it’s not a bad thing that I enjoy humor nearly all the time. I find that most of the time I’m willing to hang out with pretty much anyone so long as they’re not being a bump on a log and are actually participating in whatever activities or conversations are going on at the time. The task has been to discover who is willing and/or to hang out with me.

    God has blessed me with a few good friends and through some unlikely combinations and minglings which have occurred in recent weeks I think I am discovering my love for all of them in the very fact that they do have such incredibly diverse personalities.

    I know it probably sounds rather silly that I keep saying this, but I really would love just one woman to whom I can connect on a deeper emotional and spiritual level — maybe even in terms of humor as well. I want someone to truly love me for my craziness and for my seriousness. I don’t think for a moment that it is an altogether inappropriate thing to desire for a close relationship.

  5. Kristi says:

    WoW Bill, I must say I hadn’t even read this when I left you that comment that you can call me anytime(and i meant it if you need to)Life’s too short to be serious all the time, and that’s what I love so much about you, your sense of humor, your laughter, and you’re smiles. I am, and always will be glad to be counted among your friends. you are a real joy to be around. And your depth of forgiveness is really refreshing to me especially considering what an annoyance I’ve been lately. There is something the Lord has been really laying on my heart for the last couple of days to do, and even more so after reading this blog. I assure you that it is something completely appropriate, but I do not wish to say here, so will reserve it for the confines of private conversation. I agree with what everyone else says though. The person that God has for you should be the person that already accepts you for who you are, I mean truely, in her heart accepts you, not lures you in in the hopes that you will love her enough to let her change you. No one should ever tell, or demand anyone to be what they’re not. There never is, or never can be any joy in that. I love how we make each other laugh…that’s all I’ve got to say.

  6. tonyatorres says:

    My heavens… Boy oh boy. I sure can relate to that. A million people, including yourself, have told me to tone it down. I’m Entirely too loud. I wonder if it’s because I have bad hearing. Well Bill, we must be less than “sort-of-friends-who-hang-out-every-once-in-awhile-and have eachother-friended-on-myspace-and-have eachothers-cell-phone-numbers”, because we don’t have eachother’s numbers at all. You don’t have my Home Phone number, my Cell Phone number, heck you don’t know my favorite number(it’s 5 btw and any multiple of it under 100). LOL. As for all that emo junk, no you’re not emo. Emo is trying to kill yourself but intentionally not doing it the right way, just so you can write a song about it, in your own blood. LOL.
    It’s not easy to find a real life Christian companion, all the good ones are taken before their 21st b-days, married or sold into missionary slavery. J/P about the slavery part. What I meant was Sold into Cult Christian College, where they’ll come out worse than when they went in. J/P half heartedly. My point is, this life isn’t meant to be a “where’s woldo” in 707, or any other place Christians exist in groups. It’s meant to be a where’s me, and where’s God, and where’s God in me. Then a where’s me, where’s God, where’s God in someone else, and where will God send me to find them.
    Heck, I find myself spending time with people who by the Bible’s standards, are not the type of people I should be interested in. The truth is I’m not interested in being with them, or the idea of marrying them, I’m more interested in their pepose for now. Their company. Even if I do let them take me places, I stay clear of mis-leading them, and focus more on leading them to Jesus. So, they get annoyed and realize “I wish sometimes we could have a normal conversation, that doesn’t end up being about God” this has actually been said to me.
    As for conversing and relating better to people who are older than you. One ex who was 15 years older than me, understood me better than most pople my age, male or female. So it isn’t uncommon, it’s just tricky to enjoy talking to people your own age, after older friends share their wisdom and enlightenment.
    I love reading your blogs.

    With Love, Your Sister & Friend,
    T. Torres

  7. Bill says:

    I didn’t mean for you to tone down your personality, you were just being really loud. lol

    Spending time with sinful people, so long as we’re not participating or approving of their sin, isn’t wrong. The problem comes when I start to form my intimate relationships with them. When I start telling them about the problems I have and start to ask for advice from them, that’s when the problems start arising.

    I have set my heart first upon intimacy with God. But we weren’t created to be alone in that. The difficulty has been in discovering those whom God has brought into my path for intimacy in this walk together. My closest friends are Christians, but there is still at least this one spot which remains vacant, that of a closest companion and mate. My desire for her is great, but I do not desire her with the idea that I can somehow obtain this relationship if I work hard enough or visit the right websites or go to the right church or clubs or wherever.

    I know that God has made a woman for me and made me for a woman. Perhaps it is someone with whom there is already a relationship. Perhaps it is not. My task is not to put all my efforts into seeking her out and choosing her; this has already been done by God. I simply wait patiently for God’s guidance into relationship with her. I know that He has our days already planned out.

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