I long for genuine Christian companionship. If I stop and think about it, this has been something I have long desired, probably since becoming a teenager and never really having too many friends because being a Christian, being one of the “smart kids” in class, and being a musician just wasn’t cool. I think even in high school I saw through the emptiness of the shallow relationships that people all around me seem to form with one another. Noone really cared for or loved one another in any sort of genuine manner. Every relationship they formed was for some quick emotional or physical gratification.
At the risk of sounding like an emo kid, I understand I’m not the most attractive person. There is nothing special about me physically, and I don’t believe that anything about my personality is really all that alluring. My corny humor is lost on most people and I would venture to say that it downright annoys some people. I know that noone is perfect and I am included in that bunch, but there don’t seem to be any real special qualities about Bill Carlisle the person that would give cause for people to choose me as a companion.
And I suppose that even within the Body that there are those who are still stuck in that worldly mode of hollow relationships. Perhaps this is a fault within me for wanting more meaningful relationships with others, but I sense that people are very loathe to consider being anything more than acquaintances most of the time. I see nothing wrong with sitting down with a total stranger, finding a common interest and talking along that point or perhaps just listening to a story that they have to tell or telling one of my own. I am absolutely comfortable with it and I rather enjoy the company of others and sharing conversations about pretty much anything, regardless of the existence of prior established relationships.
Perhaps I ought to be more sensitive to other peoples’ comfort and pace. I’m mature enough as a person that I don’t mind becoming good friends with someone in a relatively short period of time, but others (really it seems like the vast majority of people) aren’t really ready for that sort of emotional pace in their relationships. I probably need to just slow down, but it’s so very hard when the depth of relationship that I long for isn’t readily available at a “normal” pace. Another area to pray for patience? A resounding “yes” echoes through my mind. God, slow me down.
I so earnestly crave a friend to whom I can write 2 and 3 page letters or with whom I can just sit and have a conversation for hours. And not just every once in awhile. And I don’t want them to be another mentor to me. I have a mentor already. I want a companion. I want someone to walk through the woods with me. I want someone to go to musical plays with me. I want someone who will sit and watch the sun set with me and marvel at how awesome God is and how beautiful His creation is.
And it’s not for a shallow reason either. I want someone with whom I can partner in worshiping God. Does that make sense at all? I enjoy worshiping God, and I can do it when I am by myself, but the experience doesn’t seem complete without someone else sharing in God’s glory. And don’t confuse music with worship. Music is but one way in which we can worship God. I’m talking about someone who is a full-fledged worshiper of Jesus who finds a way to glorify Him throughout the day, wherever they happen to be. I want someone who knows what her “chief end” is and will pursue it alongside me.
Ah, there it slipped out. When I think about what I’m longing for in terms of companionship, really it’s a description of the wife I desire. Don’t run scared if you’re a young woman and reading this. I’m not getting involved in any long-term relationships for awhile until God makes it abundantly clear that it is in His plan for a relationship deeper than “just friends” to be formed. So go ahead and be my friend. In fact, that’s really what I’m asking for, since nearly everything I’ve listed is something any friend can do with me. A wife can simply do them to a much fuller extent. And to my homeboys, you aren’t being left out. I need friends that are men too.
Affection is something that I’ve also been desiring as of late also. There is something about human touch that is so profound and moving. Someone holding my hand is more than just a benign public display of affection. It has effects on my mood, on my outlook, on my thoughts. More on that in a later post. I’m drifting into sleep at this point. I must retire for rest.